The mind

I clearly don’t understand how it works and trying to figure it is a waste of my time. Why don’t we ever love the people that love us? We keep going for those that hurt us most. Well my case is different, I’m wondering if I have a heart at all. I seem to be heart cold. I think in the years I died. Being solo seems to be the best option for me and my body is not doing me justice. I wish I could just die already. If there is a God, I’m wondering if he enjoys seeing people suffer from people like me? This curse has followed me since I was born. I’m tired. This emotional weight is getting to me. I think I’m going to crumble; he has too much faith in me. They say God dwells from within; doesn’t he feel this pain that is inside of me? How can he just watch? I’m not in any way trying to make him a scapegoat BUT, yes there is always a but.