Words of a son about his father

Growing up I looked up to my father. We never really had the best of relationships but we got along. Living in the world of Chronos, I look at him as he fades in time and I becoming a man. It scary watching your hero fall, although I wouldn’t go as far as calling him a hero but once upon a time in my little hands and mind he was. With time everything changes, what you thought was is never really as you saw it but just another lie. Comparing my dad with my grandfather, he is a saint; I see how lucky I am to have had him even though he never really got me. I doubt that my dad really could have words to describe me and I to describe him but in that midst of confusion I still say “no one can take care of family like family”. I could never really say “I love you” to my dad or mom, it was always assumed but I swear to God I love that man. Looking at it now as I am growing older, I can see that he really did try. He didn’t give it all but damn right he tried. I am scared of disappointing him but I think that is inevitable. No man is perfect especially him but through all of that he is blood and I forgive him for all the pain he caused my mother and I, for those actions he did intentionally and those he was not aware of. He is a proud man but his apologies can be seen through actions that leave one puzzled. Seeing myself as I grow, I see him in me every day. I am turning into a man that I have been avoiding to be like my whole entire life. All this time I have been running away from me. The time for running has come to a halt, its time to accept who I am and upgrade from what I am to something that I could be. Its time to elevate self, evaluate my state of mind and reinvent who I am. I am raising this bar higher for I and lets see if I can jump and catch it. I definitely don’t know who will be reading this but I hope you can relate. These are words from a son about his father, maybe you are a father or maybe you are a son, all I am saying is don’t waste time, love with all your heart and give it your all because the best we can do is to try,

Let go and live.

I have a forgiving heart and I don’t know where I get it from because mom was kind but never forgiving and dad…. well he is the revenge kind. I don’t know if it’s the situation that I am in that forces me to forgive or maybe if I had means to be revengeful the tone would be different but I haven’t had the urge to be revengeful at all. Having to look the person that you believe caused the biggest pain in your life on the daily is deadly, especially for your inner deity. Just days before my mother passed away in my hands we talked about letting go as if she knew I was to have this battle inside of me. I look at people who are the source of pain; they are living as if nothing happened and expecting me to smile. At first to them hate was inevitable but to their surprise I was chilled, nothing of anger or hate emotions came from my side. Hate is like cancer, it eats you from the inside. Tupac said “don’t let them see you cry because they rejoice when your soul dies.”

LET it illuminate

Woke up feeling anew, altered state of mind and more focused. This is one of those “I wish I can bottle this feeling” moments. They say happiness is a state of mind, if that is the truth then I am sure to try and keep this state of mind, I just have to put my mind on it. Sometimes its easy to live in your fantasies than face reality. I feel like I will never grow up because I am such a dreamer. Dreams are suppose to turn into visions but my dreams seem to not change, they are still dreams. How can I apply actions when they won’t upgrade into a vision? Maybe I need to reinvent myself and let go of the past, find something that tickles my fancy but its really hard to find that thing that brings passion in your life when you don’t know what you even like. They say we come from the stars, why aren’t I shinning, gleaming, beaming? As I grow older I seem to be having more questions than answers. I guess we are all shinning but some shine brighter than others. I want to shine the brightest, its going to take everything I have to illuminate this light. Like the song goes “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine”.