10:15 20/11/12 There inside of me

Today was hot, true summer. Got time to clean my room upside-down and that got me thinking about soul cleansing. Maybe we do need to take time and clean the inside of us. The spirit is important as much the physical but little of us would dare to admit that because it doesn’t sound cool. Spent a lot of my time trying to improve the physical and to tell you the truth, it’s tiring. What I have come to notice in my short life is that your inside will always reflect on the outside. No matter how much you laugh, smile but your inside it will reflect, it’s funny how your eyes show your true feelings. You can lie to me verbally but your eyes never lie. Now if you can lie with your eyes, you are hopeless. I think there is a name for those kind of people… compulsive liars? Is that what they are called? Oh well… you get my point. The saying that goes “eyes are windows to the soul” is indeed true. You know some things can’t be expressed verbally but from one human to another I think you get what I am saying. Are you? If your answer is no, you are an alien. So later on during the day when I was with my homeboys this question popped up again, as I looked each of them in the eyes I wondered if they knew what I was thinking. We laughed, we told jokes, we reminisced, it was a break from the harsh reality that faced us daily. My mind carried me back to the days when we were young boys, dreaming, hoping that one day we will but nothing has. I realized the harshness of reality, the hardness of truth and it’s a scary sight. Really you can never comment until you have been in that person’s shoes. As I grow up I find that there is a reason to be scared of the world. It’s not a nice place, most things are sugar coated. To those that were before me, has the world been always like this? When I was born nobody told me that this place they called there world was so vast and taking those first steps is easy, its rest of there journey that’s hard. They continued talking, oblivious to what I was thinking. It hit me that we were victims of false hope. We were the generation that was to experience change, a new dawn but it’s funny how we can all relate to the class of 76.

Follow @2kyo

10:02 19/11/12 Ignorance

Ignorance is the word for today. We hide our ignorance behind long talks, smiles, tears and hoping that nobody really notices. Who are we fooling? I don’t wanna mention names but today made me think as I was listening to someone I know talk. Do we even listen before we respond or are we in such a hurry to respond trying to hide the fact that we do not know? There is no shame in not knowing but it’s a disgrace to stay that way. Knowing is obtained through questioning but how many do really stop and question? We all claim to have answers, in reality most of us are just like the blind mice. We ought to seek for knowledge, have a need to elevate our minds and consciousness. There only way for this to happen is if we start questioning. Questioning creates a need for knowledge thus there quest and thirst for wanting to know begins. I really don’t know about the generation that is following us, its surrounded by information but drowning in ignorance. Hell even us, we are like that. I don’t know where we went wrong. Sometimes my prayer is “please take me away Lord”. We are living in a time where the young and the old are both in the dark and nobody knows the way. I always felt that I would not live long, I don’t know why and lately there feeling has been getting stronger. So if I should die, let it be known that these were my thoughts of there world. We are in a state of fear and to eliminate this we need the light ( knowledge). When you know the is no need to be scared, having a lucid state of mind makes you act accordingly but fear does the opposite....

17/11/12 20:46 I ain’t mad at cha

It’s been long since I had an urge to write but I find myself typing while listening to Nas and Tupac on the playlist I just created. “This is for colored girls”, a motion picture that I have just finished watching, it made me think. I know what the title of the movie says but it’s funny how I can relate. Pain knows no gender or race. Internally we bleed yet we keeping hiding behind our smiles, why can’t we be ourselves? Why is it that we sacrifice so much of ourselves for there people that reject us and reject there people that love us? Fear and pride are there corrupters of emotions. We are scared to let go, thinking that we might not be loved again and if we are loved pride blinds us and we most often don’t see what is right in front of us. I sometimes wonder why we even bother? Hollywood creates ideal lives, it’s a fantasy and yet each generation keeps falling for there same trick. I say strip away what you have seen on television, be you and have a tailored relationship. How are you to be in a relationship when you don’t even know who you are? There misconception is that we are completed by others, there truth couldn’t be further. You out to be complete before you can be with someone, there same goes with friends or any kind of relationship. There fear keeps us looking, wanting to fit in because society rejects those that have a different opinion. A lot of us conform as we grow older because we are afraid to be black sheep, outcast, rejects. We are constantly looking for the one; it’s like a treasure hunt. People actually feel sorry for you if you say you are single. Peer pressure does not end in there tee years, if it were so romance novels and movies wouldn’t be. All I ever wanted was to be me but even that seems to be a mission. Life shouldn’t be like this. Where did we go wrong? Like Lucifer I have developed sort of a rebellious attitude. I really don’t care how society sees me, I am tired of being a slave of fear, rejection and what ifs. I am yet to attain that Christ like state, everyday I’m striving to be a better man but it’s hard with so much opposition. People are not there only opposition but poverty is there biggest opposition. When you have nothing it’s hard to think straight and have faith. What do you do when you feel like God himself has abandon you? You tend to live reckless, without a care. A time for self-reflection is hardly a thing that crosses your mind. For me Hip Hop came at a right time of my life, I had no answers but Tupac and Nas spoke to me. This battle that is inside of you has to come to a halt, learn to listen and maybe you might learn something. As I turned that volume up and Tupac sang, told his story, I knew my way of thinking would never be there same. For a first time in my life I could relate, so I listened. That’s there problem with there youth of today, they can’t relate to anybody. There music is saying what they do not comprehend. In a way I understand how those musician feel, they have made it, living there life but still I can’t relate to that. In that moment, those seconds as Jay-z or Kanye talk about living lavishly I imagine and I forget about my empty stomach, about me not finding a job but reality strikes again. Reality is a bitch! Like Tupac said though…. “I ain’t mad at cha got nothing but love for ya”.

They are a blessing!

opy.jpg" />

The mind

I clearly don’t understand how it works and trying to figure it is a waste of my time. Why don’t we ever love the people that love us? We keep going for those that hurt us most. Well my case is different, I’m wondering if I have a heart at all. I seem to be heart cold. I think in the years I died. Being solo seems to be the best option for me and my body is not doing me justice. I wish I could just die already. If there is a God, I’m wondering if he enjoys seeing people suffer from people like me? This curse has followed me since I was born. I’m tired. This emotional weight is getting to me. I think I’m going to crumble; he has too much faith in me. They say God dwells from within; doesn’t he feel this pain that is inside of me? How can he just watch? I’m not in any way trying to make him a scapegoat BUT, yes there is always a but.

The future is unknown

The future is hidden. We do not know what is to be thus we must expect anything, especially the worse. I am writing these words because I have found myself in an unexpected predicament. It was all planned to the dot but it didn’t go according to the way planned. I was to have had accommodation from a friend. We had confirmed my arrival; things were to go as planned, smooth, a three day stay. A few hours later the master of the accommodation arrived. This certainly was not in the plan but fact was he was there. Here I am typing this, not a clue in there world where I am to stay for the night. No plan b what so ever. I am not certain if finding myself on this situation was totally my fault or the person I trusted but all I know is that I have found myself in this situation. Even though repeated calls were made to plan, to secure but I still found myself in my fears of not knowing where to sleep for the night. To make things worse, it just started to rain. We might not know how the story will end but its what you do with the present that matters. The present might not be what we want, it might be intimidating but it is how we react to it that will determine the conditions of our future.

When Mohatma Gandhi said “be the change that you want to see” he was right. For this change that we envision starts from within, thus it is my thoughts that I have to alter first. Change is not always easy for most of us, it is through practise and our zealous attitudes that will lead us to perfection of thought alteration. It is what we think that become actions and these repeated actions become habits, and then our personas are formed from these trends of actions we do. Most of us start with trying to change our actions first, a very difficult task to do. I don’t know how many times I have heard people talk about changing their habits, life styles, or actions but to me that seems like the wrong initial point. How are you going to stop smoking when you are thinking about smoking? How are you going to stop having credit when you are forever thinking about spending? Indeed every initial point starts from within, may it be physical or spiritual.

 

My kids.