Umbuzo (the Question)

The closest I have come to death is at the current moment. Sometimes life can be cruel for no reason. I hear death knocking and I am not afraid to open. I stay awake at night and ask myself questions but the answers I never get. I can’t die angry, that would mean I never lived at all. Being able to have choice is what most of us strive for, when your choices are limited, you feel like life is being sucked out of you. I am drained and I have no choice but to be stuck in poverty. Why is it when you try to be good you experience so much opposition?

Understanding the need of faith and hope.

I was watching the Zeitgeist movie, it got me thinking about recognizing what is real and what is not real. How does one choose what is and what isn’t real? We are being lied to, was the first thing I said after watching it. I am a freethinker and I shall remain as such. Although most of what they said made sense but the point of spirituality is still the point I disagree with. For every men needs a sense of belief. Martin Luther said “A man who has nothing to die for is not fit to live”. To die for something means you need to have believed in that course with all your being. Believing is what has kept us alive as a human race, to have hope, imagining the possibilities and when that is stripped away from us, what is left? Clearly not the future. Religion has been part of that process of creating that sense of hope in people and it’s a shame to see people stripping it the way they are doing. Do not get me wrong, like the ying and that yang religion has its own wrongs but as human beings I say we cannot stop believing. We cannot afford to. What does a man with no hope do? Act reckless . From reading to watching the teli, all I see is chaos. Every day its getting worse because people have lost hope in their government and God. God is love, God be with you all. Peace [V]!

Our emotions

I often say happiness is a state of mind but the hardest thing one can do is to alter it. Easy enough to say but hard as stone to crack. So what is one to do? I have come to a realization that emotions control every aspect of our daily lives even the way we think but especially to how we react. It all starts with how we feel and then it turns to thought which in turn turns into action thus the greatest thing that one should learn is to control his emotions. If you are able to master each emotion that you feel you will be able to control everything that is to follow. Our actions are directly linked to how we feel most of the time and people judge you on how you act which is the last byproduct of thought. People don’t judge you on how you think, you judge yourself on how you think. What you say is action of what you think, so the last thing that you do is to act on your thoughts, which is communicating them. When we are happy we are able to be more productive but when we are sad our level of productivity decreases, this is proof that one’s feelings are directly linked to his actions. So for one to be more conducive in this already complex system of the universe one has to unburden himself of the negative emotions.

The pain of a smile.

Messages are passed everyday but the non-verbal are more common than we think yet as common as they are indeed they are the most confusing. Take a smile for instance, ever wondered how many of the “greats” have fallen because of a smile? In my short life that I have lived here on this earth I have seen that no greater lie exist than that of a smile. We all have fallen victim to this lie. They say a smile can heal a broken heart but what they don’t say is that it can also break it as much as it can heal it. Rather show me that you hate me than wrap your hate with a smile, its better to be with the Devil that you know than the one you don’t. We spend time trying to build relationships and friendships only to realize that it was all a lie, the smiles shared across the room or the laughter heard from far were all a lie. That is more hurting than finding out that your crush is getting married. I don’t think people realize how hurting a fake smile is when the truth does come out. The scar left is permanent. There is nothing as sad as scarred soul. You can never understand these words until you go through the pain. I don’t know if you can relate but I’m sure you won’t die without relating. Its not that I am wishing you all that is bad, I am just stating what is inevitable. One hundred!

Love

I wonder why we act silly when we like people? I have seen grown men acting like kids when it comes to love. I guess it brings out the youth in us as love does not exist through times. You know you love someone when you are willing to act like a fool for them, indeed love knows no pride. To the person looking outside in he does not comprehend how one can be blinded and the one in love does not see but yet given a chance to do it again I bet they would act foolishly because love is indeed blind. Love is a force and the biggest force there is. But love has a sister, the wickedest sister there is and her name is Hate. When love feels rejected she finds comfort in Hate and Hate is happy to be the comforter of her sister. They have the most different of personalities yet there is a bond that binds them together. Love does not exist without Hate and Hate does not exist without love, it’s the ying and yang, they are codependent even though one may not admit to the other.

Words of a son about his father

Growing up I looked up to my father. We never really had the best of relationships but we got along. Living in the world of Chronos, I look at him as he fades in time and I becoming a man. It scary watching your hero fall, although I wouldn’t go as far as calling him a hero but once upon a time in my little hands and mind he was. With time everything changes, what you thought was is never really as you saw it but just another lie. Comparing my dad with my grandfather, he is a saint; I see how lucky I am to have had him even though he never really got me. I doubt that my dad really could have words to describe me and I to describe him but in that midst of confusion I still say “no one can take care of family like family”. I could never really say “I love you” to my dad or mom, it was always assumed but I swear to God I love that man. Looking at it now as I am growing older, I can see that he really did try. He didn’t give it all but damn right he tried. I am scared of disappointing him but I think that is inevitable. No man is perfect especially him but through all of that he is blood and I forgive him for all the pain he caused my mother and I, for those actions he did intentionally and those he was not aware of. He is a proud man but his apologies can be seen through actions that leave one puzzled. Seeing myself as I grow, I see him in me every day. I am turning into a man that I have been avoiding to be like my whole entire life. All this time I have been running away from me. The time for running has come to a halt, its time to accept who I am and upgrade from what I am to something that I could be. Its time to elevate self, evaluate my state of mind and reinvent who I am. I am raising this bar higher for I and lets see if I can jump and catch it. I definitely don’t know who will be reading this but I hope you can relate. These are words from a son about his father, maybe you are a father or maybe you are a son, all I am saying is don’t waste time, love with all your heart and give it your all because the best we can do is to try,

Let go and live.

I have a forgiving heart and I don’t know where I get it from because mom was kind but never forgiving and dad…. well he is the revenge kind. I don’t know if it’s the situation that I am in that forces me to forgive or maybe if I had means to be revengeful the tone would be different but I haven’t had the urge to be revengeful at all. Having to look the person that you believe caused the biggest pain in your life on the daily is deadly, especially for your inner deity. Just days before my mother passed away in my hands we talked about letting go as if she knew I was to have this battle inside of me. I look at people who are the source of pain; they are living as if nothing happened and expecting me to smile. At first to them hate was inevitable but to their surprise I was chilled, nothing of anger or hate emotions came from my side. Hate is like cancer, it eats you from the inside. Tupac said “don’t let them see you cry because they rejoice when your soul dies.”

LET it illuminate

Woke up feeling anew, altered state of mind and more focused. This is one of those “I wish I can bottle this feeling” moments. They say happiness is a state of mind, if that is the truth then I am sure to try and keep this state of mind, I just have to put my mind on it. Sometimes its easy to live in your fantasies than face reality. I feel like I will never grow up because I am such a dreamer. Dreams are suppose to turn into visions but my dreams seem to not change, they are still dreams. How can I apply actions when they won’t upgrade into a vision? Maybe I need to reinvent myself and let go of the past, find something that tickles my fancy but its really hard to find that thing that brings passion in your life when you don’t know what you even like. They say we come from the stars, why aren’t I shinning, gleaming, beaming? As I grow older I seem to be having more questions than answers. I guess we are all shinning but some shine brighter than others. I want to shine the brightest, its going to take everything I have to illuminate this light. Like the song goes “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine”.

PRIson of a Life

Late twenties, that my current description. With that description there come certain expectations. I never thought the pressure would get to me but its slowly getting into me. I’m still daydreaming as I was in my teen years, I guess it’s what keeps me alive. Alive huh? I don’t even know the meaning of that, it got lost somewhere after finishing university. I had it all planned out, education was supposed to be the answer. My gateway to freedom seem to be my prison now. What do you tell a youngster asking about the importance of education when I too am at home? Sometimes it feels like I drank poison and now I am feeling sick. Going to school was supposed to be “like a pill, should be making better but keeps making me ill” now. I’m tired. My hair has become a victim of my hands, being pulled on the daily basis. Should I become bald, I wouldn’t be surprised. That is my worst nightmare, although my life feels like a nightmare every day. Waking up is a disappointment each morning because I am not dead.

Ideal love

People will hurt you, that is a fact. You might choose to be in denial but truth be told, you are going to get your heart shattered into pieces. I looked at my so called ex yesterday and realised that I felt nothing for her anymore. A thought came to mind as I was busy analysing my feelings, if I don't anymore were my feelings genuine? I loved her more than I loved myself but there comes a point where you say I have had enough. You see when living you have to know yourself-worth or else people will walk over you again and again. People never seem to give you their real self at the door, the thought of that actually scares me. This actually gives more reason to how I act the way I do. I'm growing up but on the inside I'm still the 12 year old boy who promised never to give his heart away to love because I really never saw anybody who was an example. I think I hate the ideal of love... Fuck it I quit!

Miracles

They say miracles only happened in the past, you only need to go to the mirror and you will see a miracle starring right back at you. We look too far for miracles when they happen every day. Listening to my mother’s story about how I was born, I thank God every day because I’m lucky to be alive. 25 was the year I was aiming for, after that it was said it all depended on luck. I’m still going strong, I am not stopping anytime soon, and this ticker needs to tick as it is fighting against the hands of time

Free music

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I call them Fam

We live but we are far from living. The noise in our heads limits our capabilities and abilities. A moments rest is imagined but even then that’s noise. I lay awake thinking and hoping for a breakthrough, an opportunity but who defines that opportunity, is it me or the man next to me. It feels like my destiny is in someone’s hands. How does one have absolute control without money? Is that even possible? I have heard of men starting from humble beginnings. There is nothing humble about being poor. Maybe it should be called “from disgrace beginnings.” The truth doesn’t sit well does it? The world is ruled by bankers, they talk about us in numbers, forgetting the human soul and sometimes I wonder if they have souls at all. We are slaves of the complex world that we created. We go to schools of higher learning so as to specialize in this complex web of a system. A lost generation, leaders don’t know the way and those that do are sidelined because they think different. Nations are falling on their knees because of a few individuals that are greedy. … It's human nature right *shake my head* (to be continued)

A better life

Changing life for the better. I often hear those words but what is the definition of “better”? Life is one big lie. When we grow up we are told of the possibilities that life might have for us but nobody ever tells us of how those possibilities can actually remain just that, possibilities. I’m tired of dreaming and hoping. The only thing that I have ever had was my words. I hope someone out there is reading this and saying I can relate. In a planet of billions of people, I feel alone, so empty.